So you're not a parent?

I'm finding more and more that people enjoy giving advice on things they aren't experts in.  I'm finding more and more than I can be one of those people.  It's something I'm truly trying to work on in the New Year... call it a resolution or whatever, but I'm trying to mind my own business (with one very clear exception that I won't get into online).

ANYWAY... something that I've noticed lately is how many people who don't have children like the judge those of us who do, and our glorious children.  I can't blame these people, as I know I was guilty of that as well.  There are certain things you have to experience to understand, and even after experiencing them you never become fully enlightened.  That being said... a few things I've always wanted to say to those who see me with my children on our "off" days...

1.  Kids cry.  The fact that I'm not immediately coddling my child when he cries doesn't mean I'm mean, neglectful, or don't care.  It means that I've reached the point in parenting (aka, #2) where I know that coddling a child who is crying because he can't have what he wants doesn't help anyone.  I also know my child's cries and know when he's genuinly hurt or needs something, and when he doesn't.  I've already reached the point where I've learned that, unfortunately, sometimes there are things that HAVE to be done.  It doesn't hurt my child to fuss for a few minutes while I finish putting chicken in the oven and wash my hands... or, frankly, write the last 2 lines of an e-mail before quickly pushing send and getting him.  I promise that my child knows how much I love him and also knows that the world doesn't revolve solely around him.

2.  You know alllll those things that your child will never do?  Guess what?  Your child will probably do them at least once.  It doesn't mean you're a bad parent, just as it doesn't mean I'm a bad parent.  Your child will probably throw a tantrum in a store... once.  It won't become a habitual occurance because you'll immediately take care of the situation and teach your child that you won't tolerate that behavior... but it will probably happen.  Children are tiny little humans who are still learning the boundaries of appropriate behavior... they often learn these boundaries by testing them.  Nicholas tried that... once.  It was humiliating for me, but he learned and we both grew.

3.  Please don't tell a parent how to discipline their child unless they ask you.  This really goes for everyone, but especially those without children yet.  Every child is different... even in the same family.  Some children respond well to time out, others to mild spanking, others to taking away toys.  When you have children, you'll have to learn your child's personality and temperment, then decide on how to best discipline.  Take heart that I know my children well.  I may not have dealt with that situation the way you think you would have, but when the time comes, you may find that your current "parenting plan" gets tossed in the garbage in favor of what works best for your kid.  It's happened to me.

4.  Try not to judge that tired mom that spoke to her child too sternly, or gave in on the candy aisle.  Try not to look at her in annoyance because "her kid will never learn if she does that" or "she's just a little girl, give her a break."  The majority of us moms are doing the best we can and just have bad days... you will have them as well.  There will be days when 7 o'clock rolls around and all you can think in your head is "I love my kids but WOO HOO for bedtime!!!"  Your patience will run thin... some days it will run out.  That's okay. 

5.  Lastly... parenting is rarely, if ever, what you expect it to be.  Your children will be nothing like you and everything like you at the same time.  It's both beautiful and maddening... trust me.  My oldest was a difficult baby... active toddler... sensitive young child... I'm still trying to figure out how to balance maintaining some sensitivity with making sure he isn't eaten alive by the world.  He has my attitude but dislikes most school stuff... love sports but isn't all that into music.  I'm still learning daily how to be better mom to him.  Just about the time I think I'm getting the hang of the oldest, I have to re-learn everything I thought I knew about motherhood because the baby is NOTHING like his older brother.  My point?  Our kids didn't come with instruction manuals... yours won't either.  So before you start thinking "I'd never do that" or "my kids will never do that," remind yourself that kids are kids and you'll do exactly what we're all doing... the best you can.

Why we don't do Santa... and why you don't need to care :)

Our family doesn't "do" Santa.  It's not that we think Santa is evil... we don't think Santa is bad... we don't abstain from Santa because we think it's against the true meaning of Christmas.  We just don't "do" it.  I've found that not only is our choice rare, it also seems to be pretty controversial.  A few other people have recently found out that we don't do Santa and I've recieved a mixture of complete confusion and utter disgust.  People seem to think that, without Santa, Christmas has no magic or specialness.

Really?  No magic?  Nothing special?  An entire HUMAN BEING was concieved WITHOUT sex and then later DIED for US.  That's pretty darn special if I do say so myself.

BUT... religion is NOT why we don't do Santa.  Religion is why we read "God Gave Us Christmas" and why we have a nativity set and why we read the Christmas story on Christmas morning before presents.  It's not why we don't do Santa.  The truth is, Jon didn't do Santa as a kid... he grew up relatively normal.  I grew up doing Santa... I grew up relatively normal.  We just don't particularly think it's necessary.  We didn't have some massive philosophical discussion about the pros and cons... we even have a "Baby's First Santa Letter" and pictures of all of us at the Santa Claus House in North Pole, AK.  To us, it wasn't some big decision.  When it came time to pick out the "Santa present," we just decided that he would be just as excited to open a cool gift from mommy & daddy.  So we put that on the tag.  When he asked who the guy in the red suit was, we said he was Santa, and that he was a fun character like Mickey Mouse... not real, but fun.  When he was old enough to discuss Santa at school (4ish) we told him that some of his friends really like to pretend that Santa is real, and it would hurt their feelings if we told them he wasn't real.  He doesn't want to hurt his friends feelings, so he just smiles and nods when they talk about it.  It's really not a big deal.

So I don't really understand why people are truly shocked and sometimes upset that we don't "do" the Santa thing.  Don't worry... my kid won't spill the beans to yours.  He won't think your child is crazy, nor will I think you're a bad parent for encouraging imagination and make believe... just don't think that I'm somehow depriving my child of the "magic of Christmas" because he knows where his presents come from.  I promise... all of our kids are going to have a great Christmas regardless :)

Judgement

In general, I try not be judgemental.  I see parents making choices I wouldn't make, and I try to remind myself that I don't know their children or their lives, so I can't judge their choices.  I see wives speaking meanly to their husbands, and I try to remind myself that I can't judge that choice; I don't see what goes on at home.  I see people who choose not to care for themselves, and I try to remind myself that I haven't lived their life; in their situation I might also feel hopeless or useless. 

But I know that, when it comes down to it, I CAN be judgemental.  Despite trying to remember that it's not my place, I've judged women when I hear their harsh words... I've judged parents when I see the movies their kids watch... I've judged co-workers who don't seem to put 100% into their students...

So when I was judged recently, it hit me hard.  Someone judged our choice of toy for Nicholas.  Something petty, I know... but I instantly found myself wanting to go on the defensive.  I, in no way, feel guilty that our 5 year old has a Nintendo DS.  It serves a purpose.  He gets to play it once a month or so when we drive to Bakersfield, and then, he usually only gets to play it 1 way.  The rest of the time he draws on his writing pad or plays with his white board binder or tag pen and books.  On the rare occasion we travel somewhere farther away than Bakersfield, he can play it for the road trip part.  It's no worse than sitting your child in front of a DVD player in the car, right?  He DOES have Mario Kart, but he also has Magic School Bus Oceans and is getting ISpy Universe for Christmas.  As educational as some of the other products on the market?  No, but he has educational games for it... but, but, but see... I'm already getting defensive  :P

Honestly, it may have been "that time of the month," but for some reason I really took that judgement to heart... and I think that was good.  While I'm sure I'm judged more often, I rarely hear of it and what you don't know doesn't hurt you.  This time, I did hear, and it did hurt, and it really made me think.  I'm not called to judge.  I'm called to love.  So while I'll never be perfect in this department, it's made me want to try harder not to judge the choices of others.  Not only is it not my job, but I also know how it feels and really, I don't want to be the cause of someone feeling like that.  We're all just trying to live each day doing the best we can... that won't look the same for everyone... and that's okay :)

Politics & Religion

I found a link a while back that I fell in love with... it discussed 7 things Christians need to remember about politics.  I found it well written and full of truth... heck, I WANTED to print it out and mail it to quite a few people we know who love bashing the candidates or who refuse to fact check anything (but I refrained ;).  The more I thought about it, I really wanted to add my own thoughts to it... so here goes... I'm using their 7 points and adding to them... PLEASE click the link above.  I'd post their article and just add mine in italics, but I'm sure that would lead to copyright infridgement of some sort...

1. Both political parties go to church. This is 100% true.  Voting republican doesn't make you more Christian and voting democrat doesn't make you less Christian.  Both parties can appeal to aspects of religion.  The republicans are typically against abortion and same-sex marriage... the democrats tend to support more charity in terms of helping the poor and the struggling.  In reality, the "perfect" Christian political party is a blend of them both and doesn't exist.  Don't make the assumption based on someone's religion that they should vote a certain way... it's insulting.

2. Political talk radio and cable “news” only want ratings.  If you watch any of the news channels and take what they say as fact, you're fooling yourself.  Just because Fox said Obama is Muslim and MSNBC said Romney is going to ban divorce doesn't make it true.  Not only do they contridict themselves all the time, they are known for reporting things that are flat out wrong.  Anyone remember the supreme court decision where they only read the first page and spend half an hour reporting the wrong verdict?  I'm not saying don't watch the news... I'm saying watch it knowing that their goal is to get you to keep watching to make them money.  I've turned to watching Jon Stewart for political entertainment and turning to international news sources for everything else (though they are, of course, also flawed).

3. Those who argue over politics don’t love their country more than others.  On the same note... please stop looking at "tokens" and deciding who is "patriotic" based on that.  I'm so tired of hearing about things like who wears a flag pin...

4. Thinking your party’s platform is unflawed is a mistake.  This is so true.  Heck, Romney doesn't even agree with all of the Republican platform as presented at their convention.  Platforms are maleable... they change every year and, over time, can even change drastically.  The democratic platform of 50 years ago looks absolutely nothing like it does now.  If Regan were running for office today, his views would align more than with democrats than the current republican party.  Platforms are just like the men who write them, imperfect.

5. Scripture tells us to pray for our governing leaders (2 Timothy 2:1-4) and to respect those in authority (Romans 13:1-7).   I love that they listed the scripture references here.  All of those memes calling Obama a Muslim or making fun of Romney for his religion?  That isn't Biblical.  The Bible tells us a few things regarding politics, and what stood out to me most is that it says that ALL leaders are put in place by God and that we are to respect and honor them.  Does that mean they're perfect?  No... but it does mean that we have to trust that God knows what He's doing when HE allows them to be voted into office or gain the influence to run for office.  When you bash either candidate, calling them names, spewing hate, reposting untruthful posters/pictures/memes... you're dishonoring God.  He wants you to pray for them, whether you wanted them in office or not... he wants you to listen to what they have to say, whether you agree with it or not... I'm not saying you don't do something about it.  If I disagree with a piece of legislation, especially if on religious grounds, then I should go through the proper channels to make my respectful voice heard.

6. Don’t be paranoid. Seriously... The US has had many Presidents over the years... I believe 43... (you have to consider that Grover Cleveland is #22 and 24)... some have made great decisions, some have made bad decisions.  Some have taken us into wars where we saved and liberated people, others have taken us into wars where we pretty much destroyed a country and left.  But that's the beauty of our system... worse case scenario they get 8 years... trust that if God wants America to stand, then it will withstand whichever man takes the oath of office in January.  If God doesn't want America to stand, then it really doesn't matter which guy wins anyway.

7. Teach your children the beauty of our democracy (this one is mine).  On election night, one man is going to stand before a huge TV audience and accept the Presidency, while another conceeds respectfully.  Especially if your guy looses, try to refrain from making disrespectful comments about the new President.  Try to avoid doomsday comments that are exaggerations like "Well, the whole country is going to fall apart now" or "We're all going to hell now..."  Your children are watching, listening, and learning from you.  Remind your kids that, while you thought the other candidate was better suited to run the country, in a democracy everyone gets to vote and we need to respect that.  Remind your kids that God wants us to pray for our President, even if he isn't the man we would have picked, and that if the other man won, then it was God's will.  If your guy wins, remind your kids that even though this time the man we liked won, it doesn't always happen that way and we shouldn't be arrogant or brag.  Most of all, take time to pray with your kids for BOTH men on election night... that God would give wisdom to them both... to help the winner be humble and the looser find comfort.

Camping with an infant...

A few weeks ago we started to pack for a camping trip with some very good friends.  We were super excited about it... we haven't been able to spend time with these friends in a while and we were looking forward to it.  Because this would be the first time I camped with a child under 3, I thought I'd search for advice.  The problem?  Most of the advice I found consisted of "Don't do it!!!!"  That didn't help me... we were camping as a family, whether it was a good idea or not!  We promised ourselves that we wouldn't let Nicholas miss out on things because he had a new little brother. 

I decided that after our trip, I'd post a POSITIVE post about camping with a 6 month old, to encourage other families to just do it!

1.  BRING THE PACK N PLAY!  This was something my husband and I kind of argued over... space was tight in his truck beacuse we were putting a lot of the gear for 7 people in there and the truck isn't all that big.  But I insisted and in a VERY rare moment, he was forced to say "I told you so."  Don't get me wrong... Ryan slept in our sleeping bags with us.  It wasn't too cold for him to be in the pack n play, but it was a different environment with weird sounds and he just slept better with us.  That being said, the pack n play was absolutely essential for his naps and for times when we just both needed to be occupied.  When I was making dinner and Jon was helping Nicholas, Ryan could be in the pack n play. 

2.  BRING A HALF TENT!  We didn't do this, but our friends did and it SAVED us on the beach!!  He was able to stay in the shade and even nap in the half tent!  It was awesome!

3.  BRING A BABY CARRIER!  We didn't bring the stroller but we did bring the carrier and for the longer walks, it was SO nice!  The stroller didn't lend itself well to camping because we were at the beach and strollers + sand = messy and a pain (we learned last beach trip). 

4.  PLAN SUPER EASY MEALS!  We try to eat healthy at home with as little processed foods as possible.  When we were camping, I didn't stress over it.  I did bring grapes, carrots, yogurt, raisins, nuts, and corn... but I also brought sausage, hot dogs, etc... Our friends made delicious and healthy food, and our next trip I'll likely bring healthier options, but for camping with an infant you want meals that are quick, easy, and can be easily made while multi-tasking.  I also got things I don't usually get because they'd be easy to pass out... Gogurt, which my 5 year old begs for regularly but I don't usually buy because it's more expensive than just a carton of yogurt... Cheese sticks, which I don't usually buy because it's easy enough to just cut a few slices and because if they're available he'll eat the whole package in one sitting. 

5.  BRING COFFEE!  Our friends brought Starbucks via.  We brought a coffee press.  Whatever you bring... BRING COFFEE!  If you don't drink coffee, you'll start when camping with an infant :P

6.  Lastly... BE FLEXIBLE!  Ryan napped for maybe an hour all day... he normally takes 2-3 long naps.  He ate randomly, he normally eats on a solid schedule.  He ate no solids while we were on the trip, he normally has a big dinner.  I was a little worried that when we got home it'd take forever to get him back to normal.  It didn't... it took no time at all.  Also, it helped that I was nursing, but that I also don't stress over a little formula.  In that regard, everyone do whatever you're most comfortable with... but it was nice to be able to mix a bottle of formula here and there... it didn't impact my supply or his nursing schedule when we got home.

I'm a different mom this time around...

Everyone is different… and all of our kids are different.  In fact, now that I have two boys, I can tell you that they are polar opposites.  In some ways, this is nice.  It means that while Nicholas never (and I mean never) slept… Ryan sleeps like a dream.  He’s never kept us up all night (literally never, not a single night) and has always slept for 3-4 hour stretches minimum at night. Nicholas was a total daddy’s boy… Ryan freaks out of he cries and I’m not there.   It also means that when Nicholas did wonderfully on his first day of kinder, I sighed because I’m sure that means that Ryan will have a hard time adjusting.  It just seems like they’re complete opposites. 

I’m also a different mom this time around.  I wouldn’t say an opposite, but raising Nicholas has taught me a LOT.  So much so, in fact, that I feel exponentially guilty because Nicholas had it so much worse than Ryan has or will.  Nicholas taught me patience… the hard way… Ryan will benefit from me having already had that lesson.  There are a lot of things I do differently now that I wish I had done with Nick…

1.        Babies grow up.  It’s a fact of life.  No matter how much we may want them to stay teeny-tiny, they don’t.  They get longer, they gain weight… if they’re like my babies, they turn into little mini-me versions of the Michellin Man.  The point?  We don’t need to push it along.  With Nicholas I was involved in some message boards that I thought were helping me.  It was a good support system for a military spouse who had little friends around me, right?  It was great to bounce ideas off other moms and get an idea of where my child was or should be, right?  For ME, that was wrong.  The message boards were a constant reminder of what other babies were doing… how other babies were developing or how other babies were growing.  The problem was that I was a mom to Nicholas, not to other babies.  I pushed Nicholas to do things early or “on time” according to experts that I now ignore.  I can honestly say he was sitting unassisted before 5 months.  I can also honestly say that it made absolutely no difference.  With Ryan not only do I not push him to do things, I enjoy and relish the fact that he’s still so little (figuratively, of course, if you’ve seen my child you know he’s huge).  They won’t go to kindergarten not sitting up or saying “mama.”  They all get there eventually… enjoy it if yours takes longer J

2.       There is no “right” way to parent.  That’s another reason I stay away from message boards (aside from BOS which is completely different :P).  I don’t care what the experts say… whether you steam mass quantities of veggies and make your own puree, or you pick up Gerber 2-packs at Wal-Mart, your child will be fine.  Whether you breastfeed for 3 years or formula feed from day 1… your child will be fine.  Whether you CIO at 6 months or co-sleep… your child will be fine.  And most importantly, none of these things make you a superior mother compared to the woman next door.  I don’t say this like the things we do don’t impact our kids… of course they do.  But in the overall scheme of life… there are much more important things to be worrying about.  Are we teaching our children to have compassion for others?  Are we teaching our children to consider the needs of those around them?  Are we teaching our children to forgive and show mercy?  For me, am I teaching my son to obey God and not give in to the temptations of the world?  Because when it comes down to it, no productive member of society ever looked back and said “I want to give thanks to my mom, because if she hadn’t pureed my first foods herself, I’d never be where I am today.”  Now, I have a LOT of friends who do make their own baby food, breastfeed children for 2 years or more, and co-sleep… please know that I’m in NO way saying these are bad things.  Heck, I breastfeed and co-sleep AND CIO.  I’m saying that we need to consider our options, do our research if we feel necessary, make our choices, and then move on without judging those who come to different conclusions.  I stressed over every.single.decision I made for Nicholas and, looking back, I feel like I didn’t get to enjoy his infancy & toddlerhood as much because of it. 

3.       Ignore the experts.  Or at least, remember that the experts never studied your kids.  I’ve been trying to remember all the things “they” say will forever harm your kids.  I remember that one thing was juice.  Never, and I mean never, give your child juice.  Then they will never drink water and will only drink sugary things that are horrible for their bodies and will make them fat.  Yeah.  They forgot to toss in that word, moderation.  I remember having someone look at me in complete shock when I gave my 1-year old a sippy cup of diluted juice.  I remember another mom proudly telling me that her kids had never drank anything in their lives except water and milk.  Congrats.  My kid had juice.  And today?  He’s a healthy child (of healthy weight) who drinks water about 75% of the time.

I’m learning daily and we still have bad days.  I’ve learned that I babied Nicholas too much and now I’m paying for it… so is he as we have to teach him to be a little less sensitive so he isn’t eaten alive by the world.  There are days when, at bedtime, I have to apologize for being cranky and impatient with Nick.  But you know what?  He knows that his mom is real… she’s human… she works hard every day to take care of him, love him, and teach him.  She tries to be an example of living for God each day… but she fails… and when she does, she apologizes and tries harder.  I hope and pray that as he gets older, he learns that life isn’t about being perfect… it’s about trying your best every single day… being humble enough to admit when you’re wrong and courageous enough to never, ever give up.

 

Dr. Seuss, Hot Rods, Putin, & Easter

{Warning - I'm pregnant, due in 3 days, and bored - This may get long...}

Happy Birthday Dr. Seuss!  Seriously, there is no better kid's author out there.  Yes, there are many others that we love and cherish, like the Bernsteins (so sad to see Jan passed) and Mercer Meyer...but Dr. Seuss is the best of the best!  Jon and I started collecting his books before we were even pregnant with Nick!  There are still a few that we need, but for the most part, we have all the greats!  I could do an entire post just about his awesome quotes!  I'm thankful for any author that has the ability to capture the imagination of a child and make him/her excited about reading!

Every year Famoso does 2 major events... the March Meet & the Hot Rod Reunion.  We (especially Nick) LOVE these events.  Not only does he get to spend time with Grandma and Papa, but he gets to see more hot rods than his little eyes can take in and hours upon hours of drag racing (the only kind he really likes; he doesn't like oval tracks).  This year?  We're staying home.  Thankfully, he doesn't actually know that.  He doesn't know that right now they're doing test and tune and that tonight and tomorrow start qualifying.  He doesn't know that the jet car will probably run tomorrow night or that he could be playing cars with the other little boys.  But I know that.  And it makes me sad... because I'm the reason we can't go.  I tried telling myself it's not THAT far... but it is... especially if I'm due on Monday.  I also tried convincing Jon to take Nick... but not only is he way too nice of a husband to go nearly 2 hours away days before I'm due, I also must admit that I'd rather him not.

Sunday is the election in Russia.  Should be interesting.  Putin obviously wants to avoid a run-off, but he also needs SOME amount of legitimacy and most of the world knows he'll have a hard time avoiding a run-off without some rigging, bribing, and threatening.  Oh, who are we kidding.  Legitimacy is for the birds!  This is the guy that sent a PROXY to debate FOR him because he can't be bothered to actually let Russians see him be potentially vunerable.  They're already starting to find voter fraud plots.  Lord knows there were plenty in their primary!  Either way, if there happens to be another dork out there who's interested, The Moscow Times is probably your best resource.  I'm not saying it's 100% unbiased, but it's the best you'll find in English ;)

Yes, Easter is still 5 weeks away.  Even so, I'm already wishing that Nicholas' friends lived closer.  He has friends at school, but I don't know their parents so I'm not really up for inviting them all over.  Most of his close friends are back in Bakersfield.  Last year I bought extra dying kits on super clearance and I wanted to have an egg dying party and bring out his Resurrection Eggs.  Fun, easter themed goodies... maybe around April 1st-ish.  We'll see.  I guess I may be getting a little overanxious seeing as I will still have a newborn on my hands.