I probably won't update this very often. I'm lucky when I have time to shower every day. That said, it's Spring Break and I have some extra time so I figure I might as well get some thoughts down.
I can't believe how this deployment has helped me. I can't believe how much it has helped me to come back to God in ways that I didn't know I ever could. A lot of it has been through prayer... and also through devotional books that have made me re-think my devotion to God and through Biblical reading that I'm doing (almost) daily. It's hard though. I hate when people make it sound as if a "good Christian" has no problems. As if life goes smoothly and things are always simple when you're following God. I have always been taught (and believe to be true) that sometimes it's when your walk is strongest that you're challeneged MOST. God has every right to challenege us. To test us. And while we're forgiven when we don't pass, we please Him and become stronger when we do. He doesn't test us because He's mean... He tests us because He knows we have to be challeneged to grow in Him. A faith never tested isn't very strong. It's like anything else in life. If you never use a second language, you loose it. If you stop playing a sport, your skills decline. You don't forget 100%... you can still carry on a basic conversation and shoot a basket... but when you're never tested, you don't improve or keep your strength.
Faith is the same way. If God never tested us, we'd become complacent. Heck, we'd probably become arrogant. Maybe we'd even start to believe that our lives were "better" because we were "better Christians."
I've definitely been tested this deployment. I don't know that I faired so well in the beginning... or the whole time. But I've grown so much closer to God through it all.
Nicholas had surgery again. Nothing major... ear tubes and adenoids. Should have kept me out for 3 days max... until he got chicken pox. Now, I'll be the first to admit that I WANTED him to get the chicken pox. So I can't be upset that he did... but the timing was less than satisfactory in my mind. Until I decided to say "You know what... MY timing is imperfect but HIS is perfect." Then I realized... if Nick had gotten the chicken pox 2 months later when we were off CIGNA, I don't even want to know what all those visits would have cost. It made me so thankful that God stepped into our lives and worked His plan instead of ours. It made me pray even harder for GOD'S will in our lives instead of our own. Did God test me? Yes. But it gave me stronger faith in HIS perfect timing and will.
Then, because of being out of school and quarantined for 2 weeks... he turned into some sort of cute breed of monster. You know... the kind that LOOKS cute until he starts screaming. Talk about a humbling experience. I thought I had been doing a good job with him and when that started I seriously felt like the biggest failure. But again... I asked God to guide me. Give me wisdom. Help me. That doesn't mean He turned me into the perfect parent. It means that He pushed me in the right direction to help Nicholas. While he's definitely still a two year old, we've made amazing progress and I feel like I'm doing a lot better as a mother. Again... did God test me? Yes... but it reminded me that HIS wisdom surpasses mine and HIS will brings peace into my home.
And the current situation. Bed bugs. Should I post a picture of the little bloodsuckers? No... then anyone reading this will run to the bathroom to puke instead of finish reading. Now... when these things came along... life was finally peaceful again. I was getting ready to start full time student teaching and finishing up Winter Quarter. Time to start the quarter where it feels like CSUB puked on the credential program. Oh wait... lets have you do 75% of the program in the last 10 weeks?! Anyway, moving on. Life is at peace and I'm ready to jump headfirst into teaching. Then I see a little brown bug in my bed. Eww! Right? So I assume that with my seeing 170 students a day and Nicholas being in pre-school... I have lice. Yuck, but whatever. Life will continue. Until my wonderful husband doesn't quite see the logic and does some of his own research and realizes that we have not lice, but bed bugs.
These things don't freaking die. Seriously. Cockroaches have nothing on these things.
The first few days I cried a lot. Realizing that cost and intensity required to get rid of these things was overwhelming. At one point I think I even asked "WHY is God doing this to us now? When I'm alone... in classes full time... student teaching full time... just trying to keep my head above water." Then I went to do my devotional reading for the day. I was actually about a week behind so I was still on Exodus and read about how God allowed horrible things to happen to show Egypt His glory. That's when it hit me *again* that HIS will is being done here. That I have no right to be angry. Not only does He have a purpose for this situation... but He has a plan to get me through it if I'll just give it ALL TO HIM. So that's what I strive to do everyday. God's hand is over our home. He is in control and He will make sure that we make it through this stronger in Him.
And you know what? I think He rewards those who give it all to Him. Yes... I no longer own a bed... or headboard... or nightstands... and I will soon not own a couch or recliner. But he guided us to an incredible tax man who got us back more than we were expecting. Now we have the finances needed to replace everything we've had to throw away. Yes... God takes away from us sometimes. But when we have faith in Him and let Him be in control of our lives... He gives back infinitely more than He takes. Did God test me? Yes... but not only did I grow through the test, but he rewarded my family for our submission to Him.
Wow... talk about a novel, huh? Well, it'll probably be months before I blog again, so at least this is long enough to last until then!
