I don't know if it's because I was able to whine to Tara last night and get some things off my chest or what... but I have woken up with just a lovely state of mind! I am so thankful right now! God has given us so much! He's given us a gorgeous son who is healthy and loving. He's given us a nice apartment that has enough room for our small family! He's given us nice beds and healthy food! We have the money for things like going to the Fresno Zoo on occasion and Chick-Fil-A for our playdates with the Bone Family. We get to go to a great church where Nicholas is in an environment that showers him with God's love. We have a marriage that has been tested, will continue to be tested, but is growing stronger with every passing day. We have families that love us and that we love in return. I have a mom that I am so close to... I pray every day that I have that great of a relationship with my children. I have a dad who loves and supports me with everything... who never for ONE second makes me feel like anything less than his biological daughter. I have a brother who has his head on straight and is a hard worker and great guy. I have brothers and a sister-in-law who are loving people full of faith and God's love. Nicholas is blessed with 5 uncles and 1 aunt and he loves them all!
And more than anything, I've woken up ready to put my full heart and soul into Romans 8:28. Now, for those of you who are close to me... I'm probably still going to whine on occasion because I'm human and God is still working on me. But I know in my heart and soul that God is going to do the right thing in our lives.
It's a beautiful day!
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Attitude... Jobs... and Nooks :)
I feel like the last few weeks have been a roller coaster, but almost a good one. Not all the events or outcomes have been good... but my attitude has improved.
So first, I should apologize to anyone who has had to be near me in the past 2 months. I know it hasn't been pleasant. I was angry with life, angry with God, and it definitely showed... but I'm definitely coming to a place of peace. I'm coming to place where I realize that even if I don't necessarily WANT where God is placing me right now... that this is an important part of a MUCH bigger picture. I see my life in the present and sometimes the past... but God sees everything like a big storyboard and he knows he has to put this part in before the next part can work. So even though I'm really still struggling with being content and happy with where I am, I'm getting to a point of being at peace with it. I think the verse that touched me the most was Romans 8:28 that says (paraphrasing) that all things work together for good for those who serve the Lord. I've been trying to remind myself of that constantly.
I was blessed with an interview at Robert F Kennedy High School. I didn't get the job, which did kind of stink. I was looking forward to the opportunity. The school has amazing technology... as in, I was practically drooling all over myself. But alas, I didn't get the job. I'm not too bitter... I know that I was interviewing alongside very well qualified candidates. Another position has opened and I've done my best to put my name out there. If God chooses to, He'll put me there... if not, I'm reminding myself that while teaching is my passion TODAY... God knows my passions for LIFE. He doesn't shut a door to leave us in an empty closet. He at least opens a window :)
My biggest stressor was feeling like a failure to my family. The whole plan for the last 14 months has been for Jon to sacrifice for a year so that I could get my credential and then I could support us. I could be the one working while he went back to school or what have you. With my not finding a job... I really felt like I had failed him. He was going back to Afghanistan because of me. This past week has opened up quite a few doors for him and while we don't know which one God is going to actually walk him through (if any)... Jon has shown me what an amazing husband he is. Instead of me comforting him on the possibility of his going back to a war zone... he's been comforting me.
Here's to living the truth of Romans 8:28!!
So first, I should apologize to anyone who has had to be near me in the past 2 months. I know it hasn't been pleasant. I was angry with life, angry with God, and it definitely showed... but I'm definitely coming to a place of peace. I'm coming to place where I realize that even if I don't necessarily WANT where God is placing me right now... that this is an important part of a MUCH bigger picture. I see my life in the present and sometimes the past... but God sees everything like a big storyboard and he knows he has to put this part in before the next part can work. So even though I'm really still struggling with being content and happy with where I am, I'm getting to a point of being at peace with it. I think the verse that touched me the most was Romans 8:28 that says (paraphrasing) that all things work together for good for those who serve the Lord. I've been trying to remind myself of that constantly.
I was blessed with an interview at Robert F Kennedy High School. I didn't get the job, which did kind of stink. I was looking forward to the opportunity. The school has amazing technology... as in, I was practically drooling all over myself. But alas, I didn't get the job. I'm not too bitter... I know that I was interviewing alongside very well qualified candidates. Another position has opened and I've done my best to put my name out there. If God chooses to, He'll put me there... if not, I'm reminding myself that while teaching is my passion TODAY... God knows my passions for LIFE. He doesn't shut a door to leave us in an empty closet. He at least opens a window :)
My biggest stressor was feeling like a failure to my family. The whole plan for the last 14 months has been for Jon to sacrifice for a year so that I could get my credential and then I could support us. I could be the one working while he went back to school or what have you. With my not finding a job... I really felt like I had failed him. He was going back to Afghanistan because of me. This past week has opened up quite a few doors for him and while we don't know which one God is going to actually walk him through (if any)... Jon has shown me what an amazing husband he is. Instead of me comforting him on the possibility of his going back to a war zone... he's been comforting me.
Here's to living the truth of Romans 8:28!!
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Intimacy...
If there's one thing that God has taught me through my marriage... it's that intimacy and sex are NOT always linked. Intimacy i can be shared with your spouse in so many ways... and it's a blessing.
Last night before Jon and I fell asleep, we prayed together. I love that I can just openly pray with him. I remember being in high school and wondering if I'd ever be able to really pray with my husband. Not just say the "proper" words, but really just talk to God with my husband. When I pray... there's nothing pretty about it. I'm not trying to use flowing words or poetry or anything. I just talk. I talk as if I'm talking to my Father, because I am. I laugh, I cry... I just have a conversation. To be able to do that alongside my husband has got to be one of the most special experiences in my marriage. Last night wasn't the first time or anything, but it brought to mind how thankful I am for that.
I also feel so honored to be able to hear Jon pray. It's like it gives me a little window into a special part of Jon that few people will ever see. I get to hear him be humbled to his Creator... I get to hear him lead our family... I get to hear him just be so open and honest. Sometimes I get teary eyed not because of WHAT he's saying, but because I get to hear it! I get to hear such a special conversation.
It really was special... and intimate. I'm so glad that God changed my definition of intimacy.
Right now I think my biggest prayer and biggest need is PEACE... I keep singing Nicholas' "Peace Like a River" and hoping that with time and devotion, it can become my new anthem.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
My mind is a roller coaster...
... and I want off the ride!
I wish I could just stick to one emotion right now... one thought... one feeling. It's so frustrating.
I guess to explain a bit, I'll tell you the core of my dilemma. I'm finally having to REALLY let go of my life. In the past few years God has required me to let go more and more. Having Nicholas was a big turning point in this, as I think most believing parents will tell you. Nothing like knowing that you have no control of your child to really put your faith back into your Creator. I know that despite the love and teaching we try to give to Nicholas every day, ultimately, we cannot make the decisions for him. I cannot make him give his heart to the Lord, nor can I force good choices on him. I can do my best to teach him values, morals, and obedience to God... but then I have to just let go and trust that he is in God's hands.
Now I'm being forced to give my life path back to God again. In theory, this should be easy. But Jon and I are in a predicament. Neither of us have jobs. Well, technically he does. But we want him to quit if at all possible. We're both done with deployments. I know he only goes for about 4-5 months at a time... but every time is another good-bye and adjustment... and every return means adjustment again. Doing it on such a quick cycle is almost harder because just about the time we get adjusted to him being home, we have to start preparing ourselves for another good-bye. He's spent a little over a year and a half over there, which isn't much compared to many of the guys he serves with, but it's enough for us to feel like we've "paid our dues" so to speak. He's missed about 14 months of Nicholas' 3 years and that's enough for us.
Tangent over. Both of us are looking for work and we need it immediately. So it's becoming more and more difficult to wait on God's timing. It's becoming harder to trust that He really does have something waiting for us. So here's an idea of what goes through my head on a DAILY basis...
- God is planning something perfect for us. He has a beautiful plan for my life. Even if that doesn't mean teaching, His will is ultimately what will bring me peace and happiness. [Insert temporary feeling of peace]
- [Insert empty feeling] I love teaching. I miss teaching. It's only been a month and it already brings tears to my eyes not knowing if it's going to be in God's plan for me to do it again.
- It's over. It's July 6th. If you were going to have a job, you'd have one by now. MANY of your peers already have jobs. Just stop getting your hopes up and accept that this isn't God's plan for your life. Maybe for theirs, but not for yours.
- STOP insulting God. Stop acting as if He couldn't get you a job. Stop acting as if He couldn't touch the hearts of the employers looking at resume packets at this very moment. If His plan is for a teaching job, you WILL get a call. Sit back, apply for as many (non-teaching) jobs as you can find, and trust that if it's HIS plan, you'll get a phone call soon.
- Start being thankful to God for the experience of the credential program. Maybe that was just a pathway to the career he really has for you. Maybe he wanted you to experience teaching so you'd know how much better another job is for you.
- Maybe God isn't giving me a job because He has something bigger in store for me. Maybe He's going to provide a way for us to expand our family soon! [Insert peaceful feeling again]
- What is wrong with you? How can you even think about expanding your family when neither of you have jobs? How can you even dream about getting pregnant when you know that you HAVE to be working somewhere, no matter what?
- What if Jon has to go again? I don't want to do deployment #5, but bills have to get paid...
- I'm a failure. If I had just gotten a job, Jon wouldn't even have to worry about deploying. If I could get a job, Jon could go back to school. If I could get a job, we could finally buy a house. If I could get a job...
- Maybe God is holding out on Jon getting a job because He's going to give you one of these jobs in Tulare. If you're working then Jon can go to school and use his GI Bill. How amazing would that be?
It's like I spend my day on an emotional roller coaster and it's killing me. I'm so ready to just know where God is going to put us, but I know that I don't get to demand He work on my schedule. His schedule is perfect and I just have to learn patience, trust, and faith.
Sigh...
I wish I could just stick to one emotion right now... one thought... one feeling. It's so frustrating.
I guess to explain a bit, I'll tell you the core of my dilemma. I'm finally having to REALLY let go of my life. In the past few years God has required me to let go more and more. Having Nicholas was a big turning point in this, as I think most believing parents will tell you. Nothing like knowing that you have no control of your child to really put your faith back into your Creator. I know that despite the love and teaching we try to give to Nicholas every day, ultimately, we cannot make the decisions for him. I cannot make him give his heart to the Lord, nor can I force good choices on him. I can do my best to teach him values, morals, and obedience to God... but then I have to just let go and trust that he is in God's hands.
Now I'm being forced to give my life path back to God again. In theory, this should be easy. But Jon and I are in a predicament. Neither of us have jobs. Well, technically he does. But we want him to quit if at all possible. We're both done with deployments. I know he only goes for about 4-5 months at a time... but every time is another good-bye and adjustment... and every return means adjustment again. Doing it on such a quick cycle is almost harder because just about the time we get adjusted to him being home, we have to start preparing ourselves for another good-bye. He's spent a little over a year and a half over there, which isn't much compared to many of the guys he serves with, but it's enough for us to feel like we've "paid our dues" so to speak. He's missed about 14 months of Nicholas' 3 years and that's enough for us.
Tangent over. Both of us are looking for work and we need it immediately. So it's becoming more and more difficult to wait on God's timing. It's becoming harder to trust that He really does have something waiting for us. So here's an idea of what goes through my head on a DAILY basis...
- God is planning something perfect for us. He has a beautiful plan for my life. Even if that doesn't mean teaching, His will is ultimately what will bring me peace and happiness. [Insert temporary feeling of peace]
- [Insert empty feeling] I love teaching. I miss teaching. It's only been a month and it already brings tears to my eyes not knowing if it's going to be in God's plan for me to do it again.
- It's over. It's July 6th. If you were going to have a job, you'd have one by now. MANY of your peers already have jobs. Just stop getting your hopes up and accept that this isn't God's plan for your life. Maybe for theirs, but not for yours.
- STOP insulting God. Stop acting as if He couldn't get you a job. Stop acting as if He couldn't touch the hearts of the employers looking at resume packets at this very moment. If His plan is for a teaching job, you WILL get a call. Sit back, apply for as many (non-teaching) jobs as you can find, and trust that if it's HIS plan, you'll get a phone call soon.
- Start being thankful to God for the experience of the credential program. Maybe that was just a pathway to the career he really has for you. Maybe he wanted you to experience teaching so you'd know how much better another job is for you.
- Maybe God isn't giving me a job because He has something bigger in store for me. Maybe He's going to provide a way for us to expand our family soon! [Insert peaceful feeling again]
- What is wrong with you? How can you even think about expanding your family when neither of you have jobs? How can you even dream about getting pregnant when you know that you HAVE to be working somewhere, no matter what?
- What if Jon has to go again? I don't want to do deployment #5, but bills have to get paid...
- I'm a failure. If I had just gotten a job, Jon wouldn't even have to worry about deploying. If I could get a job, Jon could go back to school. If I could get a job, we could finally buy a house. If I could get a job...
- Maybe God is holding out on Jon getting a job because He's going to give you one of these jobs in Tulare. If you're working then Jon can go to school and use his GI Bill. How amazing would that be?
It's like I spend my day on an emotional roller coaster and it's killing me. I'm so ready to just know where God is going to put us, but I know that I don't get to demand He work on my schedule. His schedule is perfect and I just have to learn patience, trust, and faith.
Sigh...
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