... and I want off the ride!
I wish I could just stick to one emotion right now... one thought... one feeling. It's so frustrating.
I guess to explain a bit, I'll tell you the core of my dilemma. I'm finally having to REALLY let go of my life. In the past few years God has required me to let go more and more. Having Nicholas was a big turning point in this, as I think most believing parents will tell you. Nothing like knowing that you have no control of your child to really put your faith back into your Creator. I know that despite the love and teaching we try to give to Nicholas every day, ultimately, we cannot make the decisions for him. I cannot make him give his heart to the Lord, nor can I force good choices on him. I can do my best to teach him values, morals, and obedience to God... but then I have to just let go and trust that he is in God's hands.
Now I'm being forced to give my life path back to God again. In theory, this should be easy. But Jon and I are in a predicament. Neither of us have jobs. Well, technically he does. But we want him to quit if at all possible. We're both done with deployments. I know he only goes for about 4-5 months at a time... but every time is another good-bye and adjustment... and every return means adjustment again. Doing it on such a quick cycle is almost harder because just about the time we get adjusted to him being home, we have to start preparing ourselves for another good-bye. He's spent a little over a year and a half over there, which isn't much compared to many of the guys he serves with, but it's enough for us to feel like we've "paid our dues" so to speak. He's missed about 14 months of Nicholas' 3 years and that's enough for us.
Tangent over. Both of us are looking for work and we need it immediately. So it's becoming more and more difficult to wait on God's timing. It's becoming harder to trust that He really does have something waiting for us. So here's an idea of what goes through my head on a DAILY basis...
- God is planning something perfect for us. He has a beautiful plan for my life. Even if that doesn't mean teaching, His will is ultimately what will bring me peace and happiness. [Insert temporary feeling of peace]
- [Insert empty feeling] I love teaching. I miss teaching. It's only been a month and it already brings tears to my eyes not knowing if it's going to be in God's plan for me to do it again.
- It's over. It's July 6th. If you were going to have a job, you'd have one by now. MANY of your peers already have jobs. Just stop getting your hopes up and accept that this isn't God's plan for your life. Maybe for theirs, but not for yours.
- STOP insulting God. Stop acting as if He couldn't get you a job. Stop acting as if He couldn't touch the hearts of the employers looking at resume packets at this very moment. If His plan is for a teaching job, you WILL get a call. Sit back, apply for as many (non-teaching) jobs as you can find, and trust that if it's HIS plan, you'll get a phone call soon.
- Start being thankful to God for the experience of the credential program. Maybe that was just a pathway to the career he really has for you. Maybe he wanted you to experience teaching so you'd know how much better another job is for you.
- Maybe God isn't giving me a job because He has something bigger in store for me. Maybe He's going to provide a way for us to expand our family soon! [Insert peaceful feeling again]
- What is wrong with you? How can you even think about expanding your family when neither of you have jobs? How can you even dream about getting pregnant when you know that you HAVE to be working somewhere, no matter what?
- What if Jon has to go again? I don't want to do deployment #5, but bills have to get paid...
- I'm a failure. If I had just gotten a job, Jon wouldn't even have to worry about deploying. If I could get a job, Jon could go back to school. If I could get a job, we could finally buy a house. If I could get a job...
- Maybe God is holding out on Jon getting a job because He's going to give you one of these jobs in Tulare. If you're working then Jon can go to school and use his GI Bill. How amazing would that be?
It's like I spend my day on an emotional roller coaster and it's killing me. I'm so ready to just know where God is going to put us, but I know that I don't get to demand He work on my schedule. His schedule is perfect and I just have to learn patience, trust, and faith.
Sigh...
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