It's been a few weeks since I wrote, so I figured I'd give a quick update...
We got moved into our new home in Clovis and I am SO thankful to God for this house! It meets all of our needs and them some! It has a large living room, a great dining area with bay windows and tile floors (a must with a 3-year old!), a split wing floor plan (for obvious reasons :), and a back yard! It's not huge, but it's more than big enough for our family! So far I've just been overwhelmed with appreciation for the home Jon found for us. I know he was nervous about me liking it because I didn't see it until the day we moved in (aside from video from the wonderful Michael Wanke!)... but he didn't need to worry... I love it! I love this area as well, and Jon and I are hoping that if we buy a home next year, we're able to stay around here!
We have attended our new church twice now and I really like that as well! Nicholas gets SO excited about going to chapel and loves the kids program. It's almost identical to the program at the Bridge that I loved, so I'm really thankful for that! I'm trying to get us plugged into a LifeGroup as soon as we can find childcare once a week that we're comfortable with.
I'm officially employed by the Fresno Unified School District as a sub. I've never had to interview to be a sub before, but I'm thankful that I was able to get into the system. Jon is buying a little car from the Wanke's tomorrow night, so then we'll be looking for a M/W/F preschool for Nick for when I'm subbing.
I'm just overwhelmed with seeing God work in our home. I've been making sure to take time with God every day, even if it means Nicholas watches a little more cartoons. I can definitely see it making an impact. God is really showing me wonderful things through the life of David. I'm doing a reading plan that takes you through the Bible chronologically... I guess it fits the historian side of me! It's so cool though... I'm seeing which Psalms go to different times in David's life. It's really really cool and gives the Word more meaning for me!
It's bath time, but I just have to say that I'm seeing firsthand how obedience to God provides you peace. I know, without question, that we're where God wants us. I know that when we prayed for guidance, God provided. And I know that if we continue to be obedient, God is going to work everything out!
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Trying to let go of myself...
This afternoon was frustrating... very frustrating. I had my pre-out appt with BK Property Management. I knew the carpets were bad; I've already scheduled to have someone come and do them. I knew I had to replace one set of blinds; no big deal. But they're telling me I have to replace (or pay to replace) Nicholas' bathroom door because it has a slight crack in the molding. I also have to acid wash (or pay to acid wash) the grout in the kitchen.
The reason why I'm so frustrated is because (1) I can already tell that they're going to nickle and dime my deposit until it's gone and (2) the company is just unprofessional. This was appointment number two. Appointment number one was rescheduled because they forgot it... and they forgot appointment number two, but I called to remind them when they were 15 minutes late.
But I'm trying to let go of my selfishness and focus UP. Yes... I have a $1000 deposit that I want back. Yes, that would cover a new refridgerator (rental house doesn't have one). Yes, it would cover Christmas. But it's not my money. That's the point that I'm trying to drive home to myself. Everything I have (or don't have) is because of God. If HE believes that I need the money from my deposit back, then all of my hard work and elbow grease will pay off. If HE believe that it's better for me to not recieve back the money... then I won't. It's that simple. So far, he has provided for EVERYTHING that we need. Really, it's beyond amazing how good He has been to us. When things would have been tight because of moving expenses, he gives us a super cheap PG&E bill (total shocker after the issues we've had), a discount on a rental truck, and even more things I could name. He always supplies our needs...
So will I try to get as much back as possible? Of course. But I'm also really trying to trust that it's not worth getting angry or bitter or mean about... that God's will is perfect and divine and AMAZING. When I let myself get anger, bitter, and mean... I stop being the person I want to be and the person that I want others to see. Maybe it's time for me to show others the grace that Christ has shown me.
The reason why I'm so frustrated is because (1) I can already tell that they're going to nickle and dime my deposit until it's gone and (2) the company is just unprofessional. This was appointment number two. Appointment number one was rescheduled because they forgot it... and they forgot appointment number two, but I called to remind them when they were 15 minutes late.
But I'm trying to let go of my selfishness and focus UP. Yes... I have a $1000 deposit that I want back. Yes, that would cover a new refridgerator (rental house doesn't have one). Yes, it would cover Christmas. But it's not my money. That's the point that I'm trying to drive home to myself. Everything I have (or don't have) is because of God. If HE believes that I need the money from my deposit back, then all of my hard work and elbow grease will pay off. If HE believe that it's better for me to not recieve back the money... then I won't. It's that simple. So far, he has provided for EVERYTHING that we need. Really, it's beyond amazing how good He has been to us. When things would have been tight because of moving expenses, he gives us a super cheap PG&E bill (total shocker after the issues we've had), a discount on a rental truck, and even more things I could name. He always supplies our needs...
So will I try to get as much back as possible? Of course. But I'm also really trying to trust that it's not worth getting angry or bitter or mean about... that God's will is perfect and divine and AMAZING. When I let myself get anger, bitter, and mean... I stop being the person I want to be and the person that I want others to see. Maybe it's time for me to show others the grace that Christ has shown me.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
I just don't understand...
Seriously... what are people teaching their kids today? The past few weeks have shown an increase media awareness of the hate crimes in our country. Most recently, a young boy in Techachapi and a student at Rutgers committed suicide after being harassed and tormented over their sexuality.
Now I'll be completely upfront and probably loose a few friends in the process. I believe homosexuality is wrong. I believe that God intended physical intimacy to be between a man and a woman. I believe what the Bible says when it terms homosexuality a sin.
I also believe the Bible when it says that sin is sin and that ALL sins are equal. My sin of coveting my neighbor's things is no better or worse or less damning. I've definitely lacked in the "honoring your father and mother" in my past and I'm sure I've taken the Lord's name in vain. Which means that unless I'm going to get harrassed and socially damned for coveting my friend's house... this is all ridiculous. We ALL sin and fall short of the glory of God. NONE of us are flawless or perfect. So what makes us think that we can judge someone for their choices. Do we want to make OUR walk an open book? I sure as heck don't. I work daily to live my life for God but I fall short regularly and the LAST thing that is going to help me is someone treating me like crap for it.
Fine... if you want to choose the verses of the Bible that say not to "break bread" with those who are living an ungodly lifestyle... then don't. But trying to push your idea of what they should be through harrassment, violence, and outright cruelty is unacceptable. When Jesus came He gave us two "new" commandments... love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, and mind... and love your neighbor as yourself. Is the Christian community today obeying Christ? I'm starting to wonder...
And when it comes to kids? Monkey see... monkey do. Yes, kids do learn hate from other kids... but hate that is cruel often starts at a much more intimate source. If you're saying hateful things, your kids pick up on it.
It just makes me sad. Two sets of parents are mourning the loss of their children who should still be alive.
Now I'll be completely upfront and probably loose a few friends in the process. I believe homosexuality is wrong. I believe that God intended physical intimacy to be between a man and a woman. I believe what the Bible says when it terms homosexuality a sin.
I also believe the Bible when it says that sin is sin and that ALL sins are equal. My sin of coveting my neighbor's things is no better or worse or less damning. I've definitely lacked in the "honoring your father and mother" in my past and I'm sure I've taken the Lord's name in vain. Which means that unless I'm going to get harrassed and socially damned for coveting my friend's house... this is all ridiculous. We ALL sin and fall short of the glory of God. NONE of us are flawless or perfect. So what makes us think that we can judge someone for their choices. Do we want to make OUR walk an open book? I sure as heck don't. I work daily to live my life for God but I fall short regularly and the LAST thing that is going to help me is someone treating me like crap for it.
Fine... if you want to choose the verses of the Bible that say not to "break bread" with those who are living an ungodly lifestyle... then don't. But trying to push your idea of what they should be through harrassment, violence, and outright cruelty is unacceptable. When Jesus came He gave us two "new" commandments... love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, and mind... and love your neighbor as yourself. Is the Christian community today obeying Christ? I'm starting to wonder...
And when it comes to kids? Monkey see... monkey do. Yes, kids do learn hate from other kids... but hate that is cruel often starts at a much more intimate source. If you're saying hateful things, your kids pick up on it.
It just makes me sad. Two sets of parents are mourning the loss of their children who should still be alive.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Today was a big day for our family! Jon started his first day of working at Forward Advantage! I haven't gotten a full recap, but he said via text that it was going very well! I am SO excited!!! I'm so excited to see where God is leading our family with this one! We spent a lot of this summer praying, and one of the things that we prayed about was that Jon wouldn't just find a job that would get us by... but that he would find a job that could turn into a career. I don't know what God's plan is, or if this is going to turn into a career for Jon, but I know that this is a field that Jon could definitely turn into a career! Not to mention that he's working for an amazingly family oriented company! They don't just "deal" with families... they embrace them! One of the houses that we're looking at is RIGHT by the Forward Advantage office! It would be so awesome to be able to walk over with Nicholas to have lunch with Daddy! Nicholas even made Daddy a pencil/pen cup for his desk!! I want to make this new job and move a family event!!
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I've started back into my Bible reading and, in the process, I've been reviewing my notes. Back in February to May, before full time teaching, I was doing really well. Then I started slacking and never really got back into it. I'm trying to really get back on track now, especially because Nicholas gets into it. When I was reading the other day, he actually came to the table and asked me to read it to him. I was just reading Psalms but I made it sound dramatic and he seemed to enjoy it. Then he "read" it to me (Jesus told the dinosaurs to go away, I guess that's his version of extinction, haha).
One of the verses that really stood out to me was Job 22:21-22:
Submit to God and be at peace with Him; in this way prosperity will come to you. Accept instruction from His mouth and lay His words in your heart.
I got a lot of things from these two little verses. One... SUBMIT to God. I need to work on that. Even as I speak of being excited of our move to Fresno, I'm nervous. We need to find a place to live in the next two weeks, we need a second car, and it's all expensive. We're looking at having to put out a lot in the next month for deposits, rent, vehicles, and moving expenses. I need to work on really just trusting that God wouldn't leave us hanging. Where God guides, God provides. Second... prosperity is not in the American sense. It doesn't mean that God will provide me with a nice house with a white picket fence, a dog, a cat, and 2.5 children. It means that God will supply my needs and give me the contentment that comes from a relationship with Him. Lastly... I need to work on obeying God's will. It's not so much that I disobey God's will, it's that I need to spend more time (much more time!) in prayer will Him so that I hear and recognize His instructions.
Anyway, I really am excited because I know that this job is part of God's plan for Jon. It's like the song "Here I Am" where they sing "Somehow my story is a part of your plan..." I know that God is going to find a way to use Jon at Forward Advantage. Maybe it's just to get us closer to Christian friends... or maybe it's because there will be a job opportunity for me in Fresno. Regardless, I need to really work on being content and trusting in His will for us!
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Welcoming the Fall Season!
He who has clean hands and a pure heart, who does not lift up his soul to an idol or swear by what is false, he will receive blessing from the Lord and vindication from God his Savior. Psalm 24:4-5Fall is one of my favorite seasons! Some people consider Spring to be the season of renewal... in some ways, it is. That's when new flowers come up after a long winter and we see the birth of new life in so many areas of nature. But really, I think that Fall should be a time of renewal as well. It's the season when the old falls off and we celebrate the gifts of Spring and Summer.
I'm looking at this season as a time for renewal and letting go... letting go of resentment, worry, and stress. No, I'm not saying that my life will be 100% stress free... but I want to let go of worries and hand them over to God. I want to let go of resentment and bitterness and jealousy... three things that I can feel inside me right now. I want to spend Fall letting the resentment and bitterness fall to the ground to prepare for the growth of new opportunities. I want clean hands and a pure heart that is open to the Will of God.
I can feel God providing renewal in my faith as well. I can feel my faith becoming stronger. What is so beautiful about this is that it's impacting more than just my own heart. I can feel it bringing renewal into my marriage too... it's wonderful! There's still so much growth to be had... I need to work on my attitude a lot. I feel myself getting frustrated quickly and loosing patience... but I feel like Fall is the perfect time to focus on that. I want to clean my hands and purify my heart to accept and obey the plans God has planned for me. I don't know where He wants me to be, but I know that His plans are perfect and that there are wonderful gifts for those who obey.
Friday, September 17, 2010
Realizing His Plan (sort of...)
A lot has happened in a month and a half. In early August, Jon and I had two huge prayers answered: we both got jobs on the same day. Jon got a job working as a JSA (Job Search Assistance) Instructor, and I recieved a job as a receptionist. The jobs came just in time; the next day BFS called and, had we not just been hried, Jon would have agreed to go back to Afghanistan for the 5th time.
About a month ago Jon also did a phone interview for a computer company, and two weeks ago did a face-to-face interview as well. He got the job! I can't even explain how shocked we were. Not only did Jon think his interview only went so-so... but it NEVER occurred to us that God had this in the works. His new job is AMAZING! Great pay, great benefits, great leadership... and an industry (computer engineering) that is growing rapidly. It also brings with it a move to Fresno that we're both super excited about! We'll be living near the Wanke family and other friends from high school!
This experience, while exciting, has also been humble and embarrassing. Those close to me know that this summer was (for me) one of grumbling, complaining, and bitterness. August 26th was a painful day knowing that it meant that I would have to spend a whole year waiting to see if my passion for teaching would be realized. In plain and simple terms... I was a brat. Thankfully, I have a husband who was still loving and kind through a time that was difficult.
I was humbled because I was instantly reminded that I ignored the knowledge that God's plan is greater. While I sat in my room moping because God wasn't giving either of us jobs, God was up there planning an amazing opportunity. While I was whining and crying that my dream wasn't being fulfilled, God was making me available for a move that would benefit my FAMILY. I was selfish and disrespectful to Jon and Nicholas by not considering that maybe MY dream wasn't what was best for our FAMILY. I was also embarrassed because I acted so childishly.
In the end, I'm extremely thankful to God. I'm thankful that He didn't answer my prayers for a job. If I was working now, Jon wouldn't be available to take this amazing opportunity. If we were stuck in Bakersfield he would be passing up something that will open an amazing number of doors. He'd be stuck in a job that doesn't really utilize his skills and is temporary. I still pray that God's plan has me teaching next year. Heck, I pray His plan lets me start subbing this year... but I'm learning to trust more because when it comes down to it, He knows what He's doing!
About a month ago Jon also did a phone interview for a computer company, and two weeks ago did a face-to-face interview as well. He got the job! I can't even explain how shocked we were. Not only did Jon think his interview only went so-so... but it NEVER occurred to us that God had this in the works. His new job is AMAZING! Great pay, great benefits, great leadership... and an industry (computer engineering) that is growing rapidly. It also brings with it a move to Fresno that we're both super excited about! We'll be living near the Wanke family and other friends from high school!
This experience, while exciting, has also been humble and embarrassing. Those close to me know that this summer was (for me) one of grumbling, complaining, and bitterness. August 26th was a painful day knowing that it meant that I would have to spend a whole year waiting to see if my passion for teaching would be realized. In plain and simple terms... I was a brat. Thankfully, I have a husband who was still loving and kind through a time that was difficult.
I was humbled because I was instantly reminded that I ignored the knowledge that God's plan is greater. While I sat in my room moping because God wasn't giving either of us jobs, God was up there planning an amazing opportunity. While I was whining and crying that my dream wasn't being fulfilled, God was making me available for a move that would benefit my FAMILY. I was selfish and disrespectful to Jon and Nicholas by not considering that maybe MY dream wasn't what was best for our FAMILY. I was also embarrassed because I acted so childishly.
In the end, I'm extremely thankful to God. I'm thankful that He didn't answer my prayers for a job. If I was working now, Jon wouldn't be available to take this amazing opportunity. If we were stuck in Bakersfield he would be passing up something that will open an amazing number of doors. He'd be stuck in a job that doesn't really utilize his skills and is temporary. I still pray that God's plan has me teaching next year. Heck, I pray His plan lets me start subbing this year... but I'm learning to trust more because when it comes down to it, He knows what He's doing!
Saturday, July 31, 2010
WOW!
I don't know if it's because I was able to whine to Tara last night and get some things off my chest or what... but I have woken up with just a lovely state of mind! I am so thankful right now! God has given us so much! He's given us a gorgeous son who is healthy and loving. He's given us a nice apartment that has enough room for our small family! He's given us nice beds and healthy food! We have the money for things like going to the Fresno Zoo on occasion and Chick-Fil-A for our playdates with the Bone Family. We get to go to a great church where Nicholas is in an environment that showers him with God's love. We have a marriage that has been tested, will continue to be tested, but is growing stronger with every passing day. We have families that love us and that we love in return. I have a mom that I am so close to... I pray every day that I have that great of a relationship with my children. I have a dad who loves and supports me with everything... who never for ONE second makes me feel like anything less than his biological daughter. I have a brother who has his head on straight and is a hard worker and great guy. I have brothers and a sister-in-law who are loving people full of faith and God's love. Nicholas is blessed with 5 uncles and 1 aunt and he loves them all!
And more than anything, I've woken up ready to put my full heart and soul into Romans 8:28. Now, for those of you who are close to me... I'm probably still going to whine on occasion because I'm human and God is still working on me. But I know in my heart and soul that God is going to do the right thing in our lives.
It's a beautiful day!
And more than anything, I've woken up ready to put my full heart and soul into Romans 8:28. Now, for those of you who are close to me... I'm probably still going to whine on occasion because I'm human and God is still working on me. But I know in my heart and soul that God is going to do the right thing in our lives.
It's a beautiful day!
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Attitude... Jobs... and Nooks :)
I feel like the last few weeks have been a roller coaster, but almost a good one. Not all the events or outcomes have been good... but my attitude has improved.
So first, I should apologize to anyone who has had to be near me in the past 2 months. I know it hasn't been pleasant. I was angry with life, angry with God, and it definitely showed... but I'm definitely coming to a place of peace. I'm coming to place where I realize that even if I don't necessarily WANT where God is placing me right now... that this is an important part of a MUCH bigger picture. I see my life in the present and sometimes the past... but God sees everything like a big storyboard and he knows he has to put this part in before the next part can work. So even though I'm really still struggling with being content and happy with where I am, I'm getting to a point of being at peace with it. I think the verse that touched me the most was Romans 8:28 that says (paraphrasing) that all things work together for good for those who serve the Lord. I've been trying to remind myself of that constantly.
I was blessed with an interview at Robert F Kennedy High School. I didn't get the job, which did kind of stink. I was looking forward to the opportunity. The school has amazing technology... as in, I was practically drooling all over myself. But alas, I didn't get the job. I'm not too bitter... I know that I was interviewing alongside very well qualified candidates. Another position has opened and I've done my best to put my name out there. If God chooses to, He'll put me there... if not, I'm reminding myself that while teaching is my passion TODAY... God knows my passions for LIFE. He doesn't shut a door to leave us in an empty closet. He at least opens a window :)
My biggest stressor was feeling like a failure to my family. The whole plan for the last 14 months has been for Jon to sacrifice for a year so that I could get my credential and then I could support us. I could be the one working while he went back to school or what have you. With my not finding a job... I really felt like I had failed him. He was going back to Afghanistan because of me. This past week has opened up quite a few doors for him and while we don't know which one God is going to actually walk him through (if any)... Jon has shown me what an amazing husband he is. Instead of me comforting him on the possibility of his going back to a war zone... he's been comforting me.
Here's to living the truth of Romans 8:28!!
So first, I should apologize to anyone who has had to be near me in the past 2 months. I know it hasn't been pleasant. I was angry with life, angry with God, and it definitely showed... but I'm definitely coming to a place of peace. I'm coming to place where I realize that even if I don't necessarily WANT where God is placing me right now... that this is an important part of a MUCH bigger picture. I see my life in the present and sometimes the past... but God sees everything like a big storyboard and he knows he has to put this part in before the next part can work. So even though I'm really still struggling with being content and happy with where I am, I'm getting to a point of being at peace with it. I think the verse that touched me the most was Romans 8:28 that says (paraphrasing) that all things work together for good for those who serve the Lord. I've been trying to remind myself of that constantly.
I was blessed with an interview at Robert F Kennedy High School. I didn't get the job, which did kind of stink. I was looking forward to the opportunity. The school has amazing technology... as in, I was practically drooling all over myself. But alas, I didn't get the job. I'm not too bitter... I know that I was interviewing alongside very well qualified candidates. Another position has opened and I've done my best to put my name out there. If God chooses to, He'll put me there... if not, I'm reminding myself that while teaching is my passion TODAY... God knows my passions for LIFE. He doesn't shut a door to leave us in an empty closet. He at least opens a window :)
My biggest stressor was feeling like a failure to my family. The whole plan for the last 14 months has been for Jon to sacrifice for a year so that I could get my credential and then I could support us. I could be the one working while he went back to school or what have you. With my not finding a job... I really felt like I had failed him. He was going back to Afghanistan because of me. This past week has opened up quite a few doors for him and while we don't know which one God is going to actually walk him through (if any)... Jon has shown me what an amazing husband he is. Instead of me comforting him on the possibility of his going back to a war zone... he's been comforting me.
Here's to living the truth of Romans 8:28!!
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Intimacy...
If there's one thing that God has taught me through my marriage... it's that intimacy and sex are NOT always linked. Intimacy i can be shared with your spouse in so many ways... and it's a blessing.
Last night before Jon and I fell asleep, we prayed together. I love that I can just openly pray with him. I remember being in high school and wondering if I'd ever be able to really pray with my husband. Not just say the "proper" words, but really just talk to God with my husband. When I pray... there's nothing pretty about it. I'm not trying to use flowing words or poetry or anything. I just talk. I talk as if I'm talking to my Father, because I am. I laugh, I cry... I just have a conversation. To be able to do that alongside my husband has got to be one of the most special experiences in my marriage. Last night wasn't the first time or anything, but it brought to mind how thankful I am for that.
I also feel so honored to be able to hear Jon pray. It's like it gives me a little window into a special part of Jon that few people will ever see. I get to hear him be humbled to his Creator... I get to hear him lead our family... I get to hear him just be so open and honest. Sometimes I get teary eyed not because of WHAT he's saying, but because I get to hear it! I get to hear such a special conversation.
It really was special... and intimate. I'm so glad that God changed my definition of intimacy.
Right now I think my biggest prayer and biggest need is PEACE... I keep singing Nicholas' "Peace Like a River" and hoping that with time and devotion, it can become my new anthem.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
My mind is a roller coaster...
... and I want off the ride!
I wish I could just stick to one emotion right now... one thought... one feeling. It's so frustrating.
I guess to explain a bit, I'll tell you the core of my dilemma. I'm finally having to REALLY let go of my life. In the past few years God has required me to let go more and more. Having Nicholas was a big turning point in this, as I think most believing parents will tell you. Nothing like knowing that you have no control of your child to really put your faith back into your Creator. I know that despite the love and teaching we try to give to Nicholas every day, ultimately, we cannot make the decisions for him. I cannot make him give his heart to the Lord, nor can I force good choices on him. I can do my best to teach him values, morals, and obedience to God... but then I have to just let go and trust that he is in God's hands.
Now I'm being forced to give my life path back to God again. In theory, this should be easy. But Jon and I are in a predicament. Neither of us have jobs. Well, technically he does. But we want him to quit if at all possible. We're both done with deployments. I know he only goes for about 4-5 months at a time... but every time is another good-bye and adjustment... and every return means adjustment again. Doing it on such a quick cycle is almost harder because just about the time we get adjusted to him being home, we have to start preparing ourselves for another good-bye. He's spent a little over a year and a half over there, which isn't much compared to many of the guys he serves with, but it's enough for us to feel like we've "paid our dues" so to speak. He's missed about 14 months of Nicholas' 3 years and that's enough for us.
Tangent over. Both of us are looking for work and we need it immediately. So it's becoming more and more difficult to wait on God's timing. It's becoming harder to trust that He really does have something waiting for us. So here's an idea of what goes through my head on a DAILY basis...
- God is planning something perfect for us. He has a beautiful plan for my life. Even if that doesn't mean teaching, His will is ultimately what will bring me peace and happiness. [Insert temporary feeling of peace]
- [Insert empty feeling] I love teaching. I miss teaching. It's only been a month and it already brings tears to my eyes not knowing if it's going to be in God's plan for me to do it again.
- It's over. It's July 6th. If you were going to have a job, you'd have one by now. MANY of your peers already have jobs. Just stop getting your hopes up and accept that this isn't God's plan for your life. Maybe for theirs, but not for yours.
- STOP insulting God. Stop acting as if He couldn't get you a job. Stop acting as if He couldn't touch the hearts of the employers looking at resume packets at this very moment. If His plan is for a teaching job, you WILL get a call. Sit back, apply for as many (non-teaching) jobs as you can find, and trust that if it's HIS plan, you'll get a phone call soon.
- Start being thankful to God for the experience of the credential program. Maybe that was just a pathway to the career he really has for you. Maybe he wanted you to experience teaching so you'd know how much better another job is for you.
- Maybe God isn't giving me a job because He has something bigger in store for me. Maybe He's going to provide a way for us to expand our family soon! [Insert peaceful feeling again]
- What is wrong with you? How can you even think about expanding your family when neither of you have jobs? How can you even dream about getting pregnant when you know that you HAVE to be working somewhere, no matter what?
- What if Jon has to go again? I don't want to do deployment #5, but bills have to get paid...
- I'm a failure. If I had just gotten a job, Jon wouldn't even have to worry about deploying. If I could get a job, Jon could go back to school. If I could get a job, we could finally buy a house. If I could get a job...
- Maybe God is holding out on Jon getting a job because He's going to give you one of these jobs in Tulare. If you're working then Jon can go to school and use his GI Bill. How amazing would that be?
It's like I spend my day on an emotional roller coaster and it's killing me. I'm so ready to just know where God is going to put us, but I know that I don't get to demand He work on my schedule. His schedule is perfect and I just have to learn patience, trust, and faith.
Sigh...
I wish I could just stick to one emotion right now... one thought... one feeling. It's so frustrating.
I guess to explain a bit, I'll tell you the core of my dilemma. I'm finally having to REALLY let go of my life. In the past few years God has required me to let go more and more. Having Nicholas was a big turning point in this, as I think most believing parents will tell you. Nothing like knowing that you have no control of your child to really put your faith back into your Creator. I know that despite the love and teaching we try to give to Nicholas every day, ultimately, we cannot make the decisions for him. I cannot make him give his heart to the Lord, nor can I force good choices on him. I can do my best to teach him values, morals, and obedience to God... but then I have to just let go and trust that he is in God's hands.
Now I'm being forced to give my life path back to God again. In theory, this should be easy. But Jon and I are in a predicament. Neither of us have jobs. Well, technically he does. But we want him to quit if at all possible. We're both done with deployments. I know he only goes for about 4-5 months at a time... but every time is another good-bye and adjustment... and every return means adjustment again. Doing it on such a quick cycle is almost harder because just about the time we get adjusted to him being home, we have to start preparing ourselves for another good-bye. He's spent a little over a year and a half over there, which isn't much compared to many of the guys he serves with, but it's enough for us to feel like we've "paid our dues" so to speak. He's missed about 14 months of Nicholas' 3 years and that's enough for us.
Tangent over. Both of us are looking for work and we need it immediately. So it's becoming more and more difficult to wait on God's timing. It's becoming harder to trust that He really does have something waiting for us. So here's an idea of what goes through my head on a DAILY basis...
- God is planning something perfect for us. He has a beautiful plan for my life. Even if that doesn't mean teaching, His will is ultimately what will bring me peace and happiness. [Insert temporary feeling of peace]
- [Insert empty feeling] I love teaching. I miss teaching. It's only been a month and it already brings tears to my eyes not knowing if it's going to be in God's plan for me to do it again.
- It's over. It's July 6th. If you were going to have a job, you'd have one by now. MANY of your peers already have jobs. Just stop getting your hopes up and accept that this isn't God's plan for your life. Maybe for theirs, but not for yours.
- STOP insulting God. Stop acting as if He couldn't get you a job. Stop acting as if He couldn't touch the hearts of the employers looking at resume packets at this very moment. If His plan is for a teaching job, you WILL get a call. Sit back, apply for as many (non-teaching) jobs as you can find, and trust that if it's HIS plan, you'll get a phone call soon.
- Start being thankful to God for the experience of the credential program. Maybe that was just a pathway to the career he really has for you. Maybe he wanted you to experience teaching so you'd know how much better another job is for you.
- Maybe God isn't giving me a job because He has something bigger in store for me. Maybe He's going to provide a way for us to expand our family soon! [Insert peaceful feeling again]
- What is wrong with you? How can you even think about expanding your family when neither of you have jobs? How can you even dream about getting pregnant when you know that you HAVE to be working somewhere, no matter what?
- What if Jon has to go again? I don't want to do deployment #5, but bills have to get paid...
- I'm a failure. If I had just gotten a job, Jon wouldn't even have to worry about deploying. If I could get a job, Jon could go back to school. If I could get a job, we could finally buy a house. If I could get a job...
- Maybe God is holding out on Jon getting a job because He's going to give you one of these jobs in Tulare. If you're working then Jon can go to school and use his GI Bill. How amazing would that be?
It's like I spend my day on an emotional roller coaster and it's killing me. I'm so ready to just know where God is going to put us, but I know that I don't get to demand He work on my schedule. His schedule is perfect and I just have to learn patience, trust, and faith.
Sigh...
Monday, April 26, 2010
Music in Motion
**Taking a 10 minute TPA 3 break!**
In high school Centennial hosted a competition titled "Music in Motion." It was always a blast but the last few weeks I've been really loving the phrase.
I've been hearing just amazing songs lately that have been speaking to me. What's great about them is that they're songs that scream fabulous messages of living out your life for God. Sometimes it just seems like these songs are being sang just for me... I know that it's God using music to reach my heart.
Despite how exhausting life can be... I am so blessed to be given these opportunities. Yes... I feel like I'm drowning in curriculum and TPAs and assessment projects and mid-terms and LIFE... but really, how AMAZING is it that God has given me the chance to pursue my dream?! That He has shown me in the past 7 months how my life can be used for His glory even in a public school. And before people freak out.. it's not about preaching to my students. It's about living a life that is worth modeling.
Right now I look at the calendar and the clock and I ask myself how on Earth this is all going to get done. But I know that where God guides He also provides (thanks Catherine!) and if I'm being obedient to His will, He will provide a way.
And while I'm rambling... how incredible is it that God gave me a husband who is willing to sacrifice so much for us?! A husband who is willing to spend 8 more months of his life in a war zone... away from his wife and son... so that I can pursue this dream of being an educator. Marriage isn't easy and I'm not saying that ours is perfect... but I do know that I am very blessed to have a husband who is willing to sacrifice so much.
Anyway... back to my topic. Music in motion. I've been hearing songs that I feel really encourage me to put my faith into action. To continue to strive to put my obedience to God first. I'm way behind on my devotions (as in... half of Deuteronomy and Joshua)... but I know that I need to get back to that. When I'm giving God my time, I can see it impact my attitude, my stress level, my relationships... my everything.
I'm having a hard time deciding which songs to list here because so many have been touching me lately... here are a few:
"Praise You in this Storm" Casting Crowns
"This is How We Know" Matt Redman
"What Would Life Be Like" Big Daddy Weave
"Forgiven" Sanctus Real
"Lead Me" Sanctus Real (lyrics on my previous post)
"What Faith Can Do" Kutless
"You" Britt Nicole
That's just a few... but if you're bored... look them up. They're FABULOUS songs!
In high school Centennial hosted a competition titled "Music in Motion." It was always a blast but the last few weeks I've been really loving the phrase.
I've been hearing just amazing songs lately that have been speaking to me. What's great about them is that they're songs that scream fabulous messages of living out your life for God. Sometimes it just seems like these songs are being sang just for me... I know that it's God using music to reach my heart.
Despite how exhausting life can be... I am so blessed to be given these opportunities. Yes... I feel like I'm drowning in curriculum and TPAs and assessment projects and mid-terms and LIFE... but really, how AMAZING is it that God has given me the chance to pursue my dream?! That He has shown me in the past 7 months how my life can be used for His glory even in a public school. And before people freak out.. it's not about preaching to my students. It's about living a life that is worth modeling.
Right now I look at the calendar and the clock and I ask myself how on Earth this is all going to get done. But I know that where God guides He also provides (thanks Catherine!) and if I'm being obedient to His will, He will provide a way.
And while I'm rambling... how incredible is it that God gave me a husband who is willing to sacrifice so much for us?! A husband who is willing to spend 8 more months of his life in a war zone... away from his wife and son... so that I can pursue this dream of being an educator. Marriage isn't easy and I'm not saying that ours is perfect... but I do know that I am very blessed to have a husband who is willing to sacrifice so much.
Anyway... back to my topic. Music in motion. I've been hearing songs that I feel really encourage me to put my faith into action. To continue to strive to put my obedience to God first. I'm way behind on my devotions (as in... half of Deuteronomy and Joshua)... but I know that I need to get back to that. When I'm giving God my time, I can see it impact my attitude, my stress level, my relationships... my everything.
I'm having a hard time deciding which songs to list here because so many have been touching me lately... here are a few:
"Praise You in this Storm" Casting Crowns
"This is How We Know" Matt Redman
"What Would Life Be Like" Big Daddy Weave
"Forgiven" Sanctus Real
"Lead Me" Sanctus Real (lyrics on my previous post)
"What Faith Can Do" Kutless
"You" Britt Nicole
That's just a few... but if you're bored... look them up. They're FABULOUS songs!
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
My (Insignificant) World View
A while back someone asked me what I meant when I said that Jon was the head of our household. The truth is, I didn't really have a response for them. What DID I mean? I knew what it meant I wanted him to do... but what exactly was I wanting from him? It was hard to define.
Since then my idea of Jon as our leader has become more concrete. We've talked about it a lot and we pray about it daily. But a few days ago I heard a really good song by Sanctus Real called "Lead Me." While it doesn't obviously cover everything, I thought it was a good little description of what I was talking about.
I know that most people either think we're crazy or don't care (hence, my *insignificant* world view)... but I still think it's a wonderful song!
Sanctus Real - “Lead Me”
I look around and see my wonderful life
Almost perfect from the outside
In picture frames I see my beautiful wife
Always smiling
But on the inside, I can hear her saying...
“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, but what about us?
Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”
I see their faces, look in their innocent eyes
They're just children from the outside
I'm working hard, I tell myself they'll be fine
They're independent
But on the inside, I can hear them saying...
“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, but what about us?
Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”
So Father, give me the strength
To be everything I'm called to be
Oh, Father, show me the way
To lead them
Won't You lead me?
To lead them with strong hands
To stand up when they can't
Don't leave them hungry for love,
Chasing things that I could give up
I'll show them I'm willing to fight
And give them the best of my life
So we can call this our home
Lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone
Father, lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone.
Since then my idea of Jon as our leader has become more concrete. We've talked about it a lot and we pray about it daily. But a few days ago I heard a really good song by Sanctus Real called "Lead Me." While it doesn't obviously cover everything, I thought it was a good little description of what I was talking about.
I know that most people either think we're crazy or don't care (hence, my *insignificant* world view)... but I still think it's a wonderful song!
Sanctus Real - “Lead Me”
I look around and see my wonderful life
Almost perfect from the outside
In picture frames I see my beautiful wife
Always smiling
But on the inside, I can hear her saying...
“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, but what about us?
Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”
I see their faces, look in their innocent eyes
They're just children from the outside
I'm working hard, I tell myself they'll be fine
They're independent
But on the inside, I can hear them saying...
“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, but what about us?
Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”
So Father, give me the strength
To be everything I'm called to be
Oh, Father, show me the way
To lead them
Won't You lead me?
To lead them with strong hands
To stand up when they can't
Don't leave them hungry for love,
Chasing things that I could give up
I'll show them I'm willing to fight
And give them the best of my life
So we can call this our home
Lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone
Father, lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
I don't want a crisis counselor...
I should probably be being productive right now. You know... tackling the to-do list that now spans two legal pads and is probably full of overdue items. But I'm not... instead I'm going to share what I thought was pretty darn good tonight.
Pastor Jim at VBF made a good analogy today. Are you letting God be the manager of your life? Is He the boss? Is He calling the shots? Or is God just your crisis counselor? The guy you go to when things get bad so they can tell you how to fix it? A crisis counselor is a great help after the fact... but God helps you stop before it gets to that point.
He talked about a man who is mad at God because his marriage fell apart. But really, why is he mad at GOD? "Well God could have used His divine power to restore my marriage." Yeah... or you could have let God use His divine power in your life from the beginning. God could have helped you fight that temptation, get rid of that resentment, end that addiction. But instead we go to Him AFTER things go wrong and get mad that He doesn't just step in and clean up our mess. But God is our FATHER. Our PARENT. Our AUTHORITY. His job is NOT to come in and clean up our mess (as I frequently tell Nicholas and my students). His job is to guide us. It is up to US to choose whether to accept and follow that guidance. As any parent knows, his job is also to teach us. He teaches us through his Word, through his disciples here on Earth, and *drumroll please* through experience. So you know what... YES, God's divine power can clean up your mess. Or God's divine power can transform your life so that you learn from the mess YOU got YOURSELF into.
He also discussed "lost causes" and I really thought it was wonderful. Absolutely positively amazingly beautiful. The example he gave was Paul in Romans 9-11ish. Who are we to label anyone a lost cause? Who are we to put anyone out of our lives... to write anyone out of the Kingdom? Paul said himself that if HE could be saved, ANYONE could be saved. God didn't write Paul off. Paul was off hating and killing Christians. Can you imagine what the Christians around him thought? I'm sure they prayed he would stop killing... but do you think they honestly thought there was a chance that his heart could change? I'm thinking probably not. But God spoke to Paul (Saul at the time) and changed his heart. This man who was KILLING Christians became one. And not only did he become a follower of Christ... but he became one of the most faithful servants, writing over half of the New Testament (statistic from Pastor Jim). Imagine what if God had written Paul off the way others had. Think of the inspirsing words we read that were only made possible because God has the power. You never know when someone is just one prayer away. It reminds me of why Christians have got to stop being judgemental. Who are WE to judge someone else? Who are WE to say they're too far gone or they aren't doing enough? Isn't that almost insulting to God? To try to step up and take that role?
Along the same lines... we are ALL works in progress. We're all at difference places in that process... but God isn't finished with any of us yet. I'm so thankful for that. I'm so thankful that my flawed and imperfect heart hasn't been written off my God. As long as I let Him, He'll continue to mold and polish me until the day I join Him again. Isn't that amazing?!
Anyway... now I DO need to go work on stuff. :)
Pastor Jim at VBF made a good analogy today. Are you letting God be the manager of your life? Is He the boss? Is He calling the shots? Or is God just your crisis counselor? The guy you go to when things get bad so they can tell you how to fix it? A crisis counselor is a great help after the fact... but God helps you stop before it gets to that point.
He talked about a man who is mad at God because his marriage fell apart. But really, why is he mad at GOD? "Well God could have used His divine power to restore my marriage." Yeah... or you could have let God use His divine power in your life from the beginning. God could have helped you fight that temptation, get rid of that resentment, end that addiction. But instead we go to Him AFTER things go wrong and get mad that He doesn't just step in and clean up our mess. But God is our FATHER. Our PARENT. Our AUTHORITY. His job is NOT to come in and clean up our mess (as I frequently tell Nicholas and my students). His job is to guide us. It is up to US to choose whether to accept and follow that guidance. As any parent knows, his job is also to teach us. He teaches us through his Word, through his disciples here on Earth, and *drumroll please* through experience. So you know what... YES, God's divine power can clean up your mess. Or God's divine power can transform your life so that you learn from the mess YOU got YOURSELF into.
He also discussed "lost causes" and I really thought it was wonderful. Absolutely positively amazingly beautiful. The example he gave was Paul in Romans 9-11ish. Who are we to label anyone a lost cause? Who are we to put anyone out of our lives... to write anyone out of the Kingdom? Paul said himself that if HE could be saved, ANYONE could be saved. God didn't write Paul off. Paul was off hating and killing Christians. Can you imagine what the Christians around him thought? I'm sure they prayed he would stop killing... but do you think they honestly thought there was a chance that his heart could change? I'm thinking probably not. But God spoke to Paul (Saul at the time) and changed his heart. This man who was KILLING Christians became one. And not only did he become a follower of Christ... but he became one of the most faithful servants, writing over half of the New Testament (statistic from Pastor Jim). Imagine what if God had written Paul off the way others had. Think of the inspirsing words we read that were only made possible because God has the power. You never know when someone is just one prayer away. It reminds me of why Christians have got to stop being judgemental. Who are WE to judge someone else? Who are WE to say they're too far gone or they aren't doing enough? Isn't that almost insulting to God? To try to step up and take that role?
Along the same lines... we are ALL works in progress. We're all at difference places in that process... but God isn't finished with any of us yet. I'm so thankful for that. I'm so thankful that my flawed and imperfect heart hasn't been written off my God. As long as I let Him, He'll continue to mold and polish me until the day I join Him again. Isn't that amazing?!
Anyway... now I DO need to go work on stuff. :)
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
I haven't blogged in a while..
I probably won't update this very often. I'm lucky when I have time to shower every day. That said, it's Spring Break and I have some extra time so I figure I might as well get some thoughts down.
I can't believe how this deployment has helped me. I can't believe how much it has helped me to come back to God in ways that I didn't know I ever could. A lot of it has been through prayer... and also through devotional books that have made me re-think my devotion to God and through Biblical reading that I'm doing (almost) daily. It's hard though. I hate when people make it sound as if a "good Christian" has no problems. As if life goes smoothly and things are always simple when you're following God. I have always been taught (and believe to be true) that sometimes it's when your walk is strongest that you're challeneged MOST. God has every right to challenege us. To test us. And while we're forgiven when we don't pass, we please Him and become stronger when we do. He doesn't test us because He's mean... He tests us because He knows we have to be challeneged to grow in Him. A faith never tested isn't very strong. It's like anything else in life. If you never use a second language, you loose it. If you stop playing a sport, your skills decline. You don't forget 100%... you can still carry on a basic conversation and shoot a basket... but when you're never tested, you don't improve or keep your strength.
Faith is the same way. If God never tested us, we'd become complacent. Heck, we'd probably become arrogant. Maybe we'd even start to believe that our lives were "better" because we were "better Christians."
I've definitely been tested this deployment. I don't know that I faired so well in the beginning... or the whole time. But I've grown so much closer to God through it all.
Nicholas had surgery again. Nothing major... ear tubes and adenoids. Should have kept me out for 3 days max... until he got chicken pox. Now, I'll be the first to admit that I WANTED him to get the chicken pox. So I can't be upset that he did... but the timing was less than satisfactory in my mind. Until I decided to say "You know what... MY timing is imperfect but HIS is perfect." Then I realized... if Nick had gotten the chicken pox 2 months later when we were off CIGNA, I don't even want to know what all those visits would have cost. It made me so thankful that God stepped into our lives and worked His plan instead of ours. It made me pray even harder for GOD'S will in our lives instead of our own. Did God test me? Yes. But it gave me stronger faith in HIS perfect timing and will.
Then, because of being out of school and quarantined for 2 weeks... he turned into some sort of cute breed of monster. You know... the kind that LOOKS cute until he starts screaming. Talk about a humbling experience. I thought I had been doing a good job with him and when that started I seriously felt like the biggest failure. But again... I asked God to guide me. Give me wisdom. Help me. That doesn't mean He turned me into the perfect parent. It means that He pushed me in the right direction to help Nicholas. While he's definitely still a two year old, we've made amazing progress and I feel like I'm doing a lot better as a mother. Again... did God test me? Yes... but it reminded me that HIS wisdom surpasses mine and HIS will brings peace into my home.
And the current situation. Bed bugs. Should I post a picture of the little bloodsuckers? No... then anyone reading this will run to the bathroom to puke instead of finish reading. Now... when these things came along... life was finally peaceful again. I was getting ready to start full time student teaching and finishing up Winter Quarter. Time to start the quarter where it feels like CSUB puked on the credential program. Oh wait... lets have you do 75% of the program in the last 10 weeks?! Anyway, moving on. Life is at peace and I'm ready to jump headfirst into teaching. Then I see a little brown bug in my bed. Eww! Right? So I assume that with my seeing 170 students a day and Nicholas being in pre-school... I have lice. Yuck, but whatever. Life will continue. Until my wonderful husband doesn't quite see the logic and does some of his own research and realizes that we have not lice, but bed bugs.
These things don't freaking die. Seriously. Cockroaches have nothing on these things.
The first few days I cried a lot. Realizing that cost and intensity required to get rid of these things was overwhelming. At one point I think I even asked "WHY is God doing this to us now? When I'm alone... in classes full time... student teaching full time... just trying to keep my head above water." Then I went to do my devotional reading for the day. I was actually about a week behind so I was still on Exodus and read about how God allowed horrible things to happen to show Egypt His glory. That's when it hit me *again* that HIS will is being done here. That I have no right to be angry. Not only does He have a purpose for this situation... but He has a plan to get me through it if I'll just give it ALL TO HIM. So that's what I strive to do everyday. God's hand is over our home. He is in control and He will make sure that we make it through this stronger in Him.
And you know what? I think He rewards those who give it all to Him. Yes... I no longer own a bed... or headboard... or nightstands... and I will soon not own a couch or recliner. But he guided us to an incredible tax man who got us back more than we were expecting. Now we have the finances needed to replace everything we've had to throw away. Yes... God takes away from us sometimes. But when we have faith in Him and let Him be in control of our lives... He gives back infinitely more than He takes. Did God test me? Yes... but not only did I grow through the test, but he rewarded my family for our submission to Him.
Wow... talk about a novel, huh? Well, it'll probably be months before I blog again, so at least this is long enough to last until then!
I can't believe how this deployment has helped me. I can't believe how much it has helped me to come back to God in ways that I didn't know I ever could. A lot of it has been through prayer... and also through devotional books that have made me re-think my devotion to God and through Biblical reading that I'm doing (almost) daily. It's hard though. I hate when people make it sound as if a "good Christian" has no problems. As if life goes smoothly and things are always simple when you're following God. I have always been taught (and believe to be true) that sometimes it's when your walk is strongest that you're challeneged MOST. God has every right to challenege us. To test us. And while we're forgiven when we don't pass, we please Him and become stronger when we do. He doesn't test us because He's mean... He tests us because He knows we have to be challeneged to grow in Him. A faith never tested isn't very strong. It's like anything else in life. If you never use a second language, you loose it. If you stop playing a sport, your skills decline. You don't forget 100%... you can still carry on a basic conversation and shoot a basket... but when you're never tested, you don't improve or keep your strength.
Faith is the same way. If God never tested us, we'd become complacent. Heck, we'd probably become arrogant. Maybe we'd even start to believe that our lives were "better" because we were "better Christians."
I've definitely been tested this deployment. I don't know that I faired so well in the beginning... or the whole time. But I've grown so much closer to God through it all.
Nicholas had surgery again. Nothing major... ear tubes and adenoids. Should have kept me out for 3 days max... until he got chicken pox. Now, I'll be the first to admit that I WANTED him to get the chicken pox. So I can't be upset that he did... but the timing was less than satisfactory in my mind. Until I decided to say "You know what... MY timing is imperfect but HIS is perfect." Then I realized... if Nick had gotten the chicken pox 2 months later when we were off CIGNA, I don't even want to know what all those visits would have cost. It made me so thankful that God stepped into our lives and worked His plan instead of ours. It made me pray even harder for GOD'S will in our lives instead of our own. Did God test me? Yes. But it gave me stronger faith in HIS perfect timing and will.
Then, because of being out of school and quarantined for 2 weeks... he turned into some sort of cute breed of monster. You know... the kind that LOOKS cute until he starts screaming. Talk about a humbling experience. I thought I had been doing a good job with him and when that started I seriously felt like the biggest failure. But again... I asked God to guide me. Give me wisdom. Help me. That doesn't mean He turned me into the perfect parent. It means that He pushed me in the right direction to help Nicholas. While he's definitely still a two year old, we've made amazing progress and I feel like I'm doing a lot better as a mother. Again... did God test me? Yes... but it reminded me that HIS wisdom surpasses mine and HIS will brings peace into my home.
And the current situation. Bed bugs. Should I post a picture of the little bloodsuckers? No... then anyone reading this will run to the bathroom to puke instead of finish reading. Now... when these things came along... life was finally peaceful again. I was getting ready to start full time student teaching and finishing up Winter Quarter. Time to start the quarter where it feels like CSUB puked on the credential program. Oh wait... lets have you do 75% of the program in the last 10 weeks?! Anyway, moving on. Life is at peace and I'm ready to jump headfirst into teaching. Then I see a little brown bug in my bed. Eww! Right? So I assume that with my seeing 170 students a day and Nicholas being in pre-school... I have lice. Yuck, but whatever. Life will continue. Until my wonderful husband doesn't quite see the logic and does some of his own research and realizes that we have not lice, but bed bugs.
These things don't freaking die. Seriously. Cockroaches have nothing on these things.
The first few days I cried a lot. Realizing that cost and intensity required to get rid of these things was overwhelming. At one point I think I even asked "WHY is God doing this to us now? When I'm alone... in classes full time... student teaching full time... just trying to keep my head above water." Then I went to do my devotional reading for the day. I was actually about a week behind so I was still on Exodus and read about how God allowed horrible things to happen to show Egypt His glory. That's when it hit me *again* that HIS will is being done here. That I have no right to be angry. Not only does He have a purpose for this situation... but He has a plan to get me through it if I'll just give it ALL TO HIM. So that's what I strive to do everyday. God's hand is over our home. He is in control and He will make sure that we make it through this stronger in Him.
And you know what? I think He rewards those who give it all to Him. Yes... I no longer own a bed... or headboard... or nightstands... and I will soon not own a couch or recliner. But he guided us to an incredible tax man who got us back more than we were expecting. Now we have the finances needed to replace everything we've had to throw away. Yes... God takes away from us sometimes. But when we have faith in Him and let Him be in control of our lives... He gives back infinitely more than He takes. Did God test me? Yes... but not only did I grow through the test, but he rewarded my family for our submission to Him.
Wow... talk about a novel, huh? Well, it'll probably be months before I blog again, so at least this is long enough to last until then!
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